In the world of human connections, few things are as consuming and, at times, bewildering as limerence. If you’ve found yourself obsessively thinking about someone who may not feel the same way, you might be experiencing this state of involuntary infatuation. Limerence goes beyond simple attraction or love—it’s a persistent mental and emotional preoccupation that can feel euphoric yet agonising. Limerence, a state of obsessive longing, can make it hard to find peace in relationships. Overcoming limerence is essential to achieving healthy, fulfilling connections.
As a psychotherapist in Sydney specialising in men’s mental health, I see how limerence can deeply impact self-esteem, relationships, and day-to-day well-being. Understanding what limerence is and how it differs from love can help bring clarity and guide those affected toward healthier ways of relating to others and themselves.
Understanding Limerence and Its Impact on Healthy Relationships
Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describes a unique psychological state marked by intense, obsessive longing for another person, referred to as the “limerent object.” It’s defined by a craving for reciprocation—an overwhelming desire to be desired back. Unlike love, limerence is primarily about validation and the thrill of uncertainty. Many who experience it find themselves analysing every interaction and looking for signs that their interest might be reciprocated, even if a relationship isn’t possible or desired.
Physically, limerence can manifest as heightened anxiety, a racing heart, and other physical signs when thinking about or encountering the person of interest. This state can create extreme elation or profound distress, depending on how the limerent object responds—or doesn’t respond.
Limerence vs. Love: Key Differences
It’s easy to confuse limerence with love, but there are essential differences. Love is based on mutual care, understanding, and a desire to nurture the other person’s well-being. Limerence, by contrast, is often one-sided and primarily about the longing for reciprocation. The limerent person may not truly know or even want a relationship with the person they’re focused on; instead, it’s the possibility that fuels their obsession.
While love fosters emotional growth and connection, limerence can trap individuals in a cycle of yearning and self-doubt. For those struggling with limerence, acknowledging this difference is a crucial step in shifting toward healthier relationship expectations.
The Psychological Impact of Limerence
Limerence can lead to profound psychological challenges, including anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties with personal boundaries. The intensity of limerence can make a person’s thoughts intrusive, leaving them constantly preoccupied. If the feelings are unrequited, it can lead to feelings of rejection, shame, and even depression. Studies suggest that individuals prone to anxiety, trauma, or past emotional neglect may be more vulnerable to experiencing limerence, as they may seek validation to address unmet emotional needs (Willmot & Bentley, 2022).
Steps for Overcoming Limerence
Overcoming limerence starts with understanding its nature. If you’re experiencing the consuming effects of limerence, there are steps you can take to regain control:
- Acknowledge and Accept – Understanding that you’re experiencing limerence, not love, is the first step toward managing these feelings. Accept that these emotions are more about needing validation than true romantic connection.
- Challenge Your Thoughts – Question whether your thoughts about the person are realistic. Remind yourself that your worth is not defined by how someone else perceives you.
- Focus on Self-Care and Resilience – Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally can help reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Mindfulness, physical activity, and connecting with supportive people can help shift your focus away from the limerent object.
- Seek Professional Support – Therapy can be invaluable in helping you process the underlying causes of limerence and find ways to break free from obsessive thinking. Working with a therapist can help you rebuild self-esteem, explore unmet emotional needs, and establish healthier relational patterns.
Finding Freedom from Limerence
Limerence can feel isolating and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control your life. Understanding the nature of limerence is a powerful first step, allowing you to recognize when you’re caught in this cycle of obsessive longing. Working on self-worth is essential; as you build a stronger foundation of self-esteem, you’ll find it easier to move beyond limerence and open yourself to genuine, fulfilling connections.
One practical approach is to find a supportive friend who can listen without judgment. This could be someone you’ve known for a long time or even someone new with whom you don’t experience limerent feelings. Sharing your thoughts with someone who validates and supports you can help you start to rewire your brain toward healthy relationship patterns, fostering a sense of security without the anxiety of uncertainty. This safe connection encourages a relationship style based on mutual respect and stability, whether it’s a friendship or romantic connection.
Finding this kind of support can also serve as a reminder that true, fulfilling relationships are built on mutual trust and understanding rather than on intense, one-sided longing. Through these healthy interactions, you can gradually reshape how you view yourself and others, reducing the need for external validation and building a more resilient sense of self.
If you’re struggling with limerence and would like support, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services for Men offers a safe, non-judgmental space to work through these complex emotions and regain balance in your life. Together, we can explore healthier ways of relating and help you move forward with greater confidence and clarity.